Taking my bra off at the end of a busy day has never been as satisfactory as it is now.
(Yes it means my boob will leak freely and without a care)
Let’s be honest, I think I was not remotely prepared for most of the trials and bumps that come along with motherhood (and I am only eight and a half months in!)
I think, in a way, my labour and birth of my daughter was a little traumatic. It was not what I expected, not what I had read up on because I was induced due to pre-eclampsia. I didn’t even think I could possibly be induced. I even had a birth plan for a natural birth but of-course not everything goes as you planned.
There is never a break. You literally go through pain and sleepless nights of pregnancy, then even more pain of labour and delivery and then you are handed you’re lovely bundle of joy, with no manual or instructions and you have to ensure that the little human in your arms survives and thrives every day for the rest of her/his life. Thinking about it like that is quite daunting.
That’s why instincts and motherly love are beautiful tools of survival for both mother and child. When your baby cries all you want to do is find a way to make her stop crying and be comfortable and happy again.
It is so stressful hearing your baby cry and having to go through all the motions of cancelling out each reason the baby could be crying. I’ve heard babies can sense how a mother is feeling and to try and remain calm and happy when soothing them. It is easier said than done. So many times I’ve felt so guilty for feeling anxious and stressed and worn out looking after my baby because I’m constantly worried it’ll rub off on her and she’ll become anxious too. I desperately want her to grow up to be stable, and secure, happy and calm. A couple of times I found myself crying, which in turn made my baby cry, which then made me cry even more for stressing her out!
I decided to breastfeed. It has been a long, difficult nightmare but I can thankfully say I can do it easily now (sometimes she still makes it quite difficult though.) I had all sorts of troubles with it. My little bee wouldn’t latch on properly, my breasts were engorged for a loong time, I had an oversupply problem which can be a blessing and a curse, she would end up choking on the milk. I had to pump for a while because she couldn’t latch on and it took her a while to catch on. I HATED pumping. One memory i have, two weeks in, hormones EVERYWHERE, I had just managed to pump a bottle of milk and then i accidently KNOCKED it over, I just burst out crying for a long time. I literally cried my eyes out over spilt milk. You can read all the books and watch all the YouTube videos on breastfeeding but in the end, you never know how to do it until you practise yourself. I learnt I can be resilient and persistent even though many times I just wanted to give up. But I think the key to breast feeding is just that – resilience and persistence.
(even though now I want to get her on a bottle and she just hates it!)
What is sleep? I am still sleep deprived, I don’t know if it’s because little bee had colic and reflux when she was younger, or if she’s used to being rocked to sleep and having me close, but she still does not sleep through the night. It’s not like she’ll wake up once or twice, she will wake up SEVERAL times in the night. It takes me four, five goes to get her back into her cot when she’s fallen asleep because she immediately wakes up when i put her back into the cot. She also hardly naps in the day, she has three very, very short naps. I breast feed her on demand, though she drinks less milk than she used to. She eats three times a day and has snacks but she’s still a terrible sleeper. I think the lack of sleep is the reason my mood is so unpredictable most days, the reason why i struggle to get jobs done.
She is also going through a stage of being super clingy, she cries when i leave the room, or even stand near the door. She cries if she can’t see me on the other side of the room. It can be very difficult because if she hasn’t had a nap, she can be super grumpy and clingy and i find it really difficult to get anything done. But lately, she has started to develop the ability to play by herself for a while. I got a box and filled it with toys and random things and she just works her way through it, happily chewing and bashing things about. I’m so proud of her when she manages to play for even twenty minutes, by herself.
She loves talking. She is a boisterous child with lots to say and i love her baby language. She knows how to say ‘mama’ and ‘abu’ which means ‘dad’ in my mother language (Urdu). It seems like every day she is developing a new skill or growing a little more and it is beautiful to watch.
There is so much more I wanted to put in this blog but i think it will get very long if I do. I’m sorry that it’s not very organised. I’m going to try and get a grip with this blogging and eventually find a way to organise each blog. Usually when I need to vent I just throw my thoughts in a random order into my notebook and call it a night~ that is kind of what I’m doing tonight in this blog (before little bee wakes up for the billionth time) and before I give up on it.
Lots of love, Ebee.