Balancing Life~

I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope but I’m concentrating so hard on not falling off. I’m focusing because I know I can make it to the other side as long as I do not lose focus.

It’s thrilling, breathtaking, stressful, scary but I am determined.

I’ve finally applied for my Teacher Training course. Primary PGCE after years of mulling it over. Whether I could do it or not, my anxiety kept me locked in a cage. Doubts crept in whenever I dared to dream. Dared to think of being ambitious.

But somehow, giving birth to my daughter seemed to turn a key and unlock me from within. Yes, I still worry none stop but that comes with motherhood. But what I didn’t realise, is that confidence, also comes with motherhood. Sometimes when I am holding my baby girl, I’m clutching her for comfort but I am also feeling… EMPOWERED. As if I’ve stepped up a level, as if I need to stop thinking about myself and think about my daughter and how I can make her a stable, secure, happy individual. How I can make her proud to call me her mother and how I can show her that she can become whoever she wants to be, she can do whatever she wants to do.

So I just jumped into it, finally. Just leapt right in. Despite all the doubts that keep trying to pull me down. I booked my professional skill tests for English and Maths and I have an interview at one of my chosen University’s for a PGCE course.

Yes, negativity is chattering away in the back of my mind telling me I won’t get through and the hundred million reasons why but it’s 10:42pm and my baby has just fallen asleep in the crook of my arm and my other hand is researching topics for my interview preparation. I’ve been doing this all day because I am worried if I stop now, I’ll give up, so I just have to keep going.

Keep writing stories, keep working on my novel, keep up with my blog, pour my heart out in poetry, study for my interview, become a teacher eventually.

Keep gobbling up the Forrero Rochers my husband bought me for our anniversary instead of sensibly eating one a day.

My husband has a fractured shoulder.

My baby girl is grumpy and teething. Her first teeth are coming through (three at the bottom and one at the top)

The laundry has piled up a little.

But I’ll find a balance because I’ve realised now, I’m a mother, a wife, a writer, a blogger, a poet, a student and an aspiring ‘to-be’ teacher so I have to find a balance…

And thrive.

Lots of love, Ebee.

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Flowers or Weeds~

Are you strong enough to fall

without cracking at all,

crack, crack, crack, it’s fine.

We all have a few lines

running down the palms of our hands

and upon the ground where we stand.

Unstable and breakable we’re still of use

though we’re not all pretty and new.

Polish us up a little and watch us shine,

A bit of magic and a little bit of time

is all it takes for healing and growth.

What will grow from our cracks, nobody knows.

Flowers or weeds, flower or weeds

whatever it is, it still sets us free,

It’ll let us be

It will let us be

It will let us be free.

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(Photo’s taken by me of the roses in my mother’s garden)

Lost In Poetry And Music~

 

Okay, so how does this song make me feel.

First, let me tell you what’s happening. It’s 3:10am and I’m sitting on my bed, I’ve just fed my baby and put her back to sleep. Normally I’m desperate to get back into bed and go back to sleep in a heartbeat. I mean when you have a baby you don’t pass on the chance to sleep when you can. but I want to be myself for a change. You know, the original me. The one that sinks into music and poetry. So i put this song on and I just transform. My heart feels heavy, my breathing feels heavy, so heavy I feel like I’m trying to hold my breath so that I don’t wake anyone up with my breathing. BREATHE.

I could cry with all that I’m feeling. Exhilarated, heart broken, nostalgic, powerful, vulnerable, angry, free, happy. Inspired. And there’s adrenaline. There’s poetry. I don’t really know what’s going on. Nothing maybe but it’s beautiful. But it doesn’t make sense but it does, too. It’s all of the people’s faces who have ever influenced me in some way or another. Seeping into my poetry in my writing, in my characters, in my story, in my life. In this song. It’s all of the memories. Emotions. Thoughts. The would be’s and the never ever’s. Its everything and nothing at all. It’s a song that’s going to do this destruction and rebuild over and over and over again… What more can i say. c:

The Magical Relationship Between a Writer and Their Notebook #AmWriting #Writers — BlondeWriteMore

 

I love this blog post. Absolutely spot on. My husband once said to me:

‘Your notebooks are like your external organs.’

This weekend has been spent clearing out my loft. As we battled against ten years worth of forgotten clutter I came across a few of my old writer notebooks. As I opened them up I did wonder whether they would make me cringe. But they did quite the opposite. Some of my old stories were […]

via The Magical Relationship Between a Writer and Their Notebook #AmWriting #Writers — BlondeWriteMore

Why I Want To Be A Writer

Why do I want to be a teacher? And why do I want to be a published writer?

I want to make a difference in a child’s life. I want to inspire them to read because stories open up so many worlds. It opens up the imagination.

I remember, being a little girl in primary school as one particular teacher would read to us books by Roald Dahl. It was truly the most magical moments of the whole school day. I would be captured in the story, I would be going on a journey with the characters. I never wanted my teacher to say ‘to be continued’ after the end of a chapter. I would get lost in the words, in the journey, the adventures.

When I began to read, it was very difficult for me to put down a book. It wasn’t long before I felt that I could write stories too. I wanted to create characters and control the way their journeys go. I wanted to make my own imaginary friends and give them a world and stories and adventures and travel with them. I didn’t have many friends when I was younger and I still don’t, so I found I spent a lot of time in libraries or my room, writing, creating.

I have always wanted to inspire people, children and adults, the way the authors of the books I’ve read inspired me. I want to make someone believe in magic, believe in themselves and believe anything is possible if they set their mind to it. Anything is real if they really believe in it.

It’s passion that is the companion in my heart. Passion like fire that spreads through my veins. Passion that could set the world on fire and that is something ginormous, coming from a girl who has been on a long, rocky road of low self-esteem, self-doubt and anxiety. They have also been my companions.

But it’s up to me which road I’ll take.

Got to dash now, my little bee is ready for a nap and needs mummy.

Lots of love, Ebee.

Sleep Deprived Love

(so after writing my very rambly blog about my first taste of motherhood,

https://thrivingebe.com/2018/06/05/mother-in-the-hood/

i thought this rambly poem about new mum-messy-life-baby love-emotions everywhere-who am I is appropriate to go up on the blog, enjoy c:  )

 

Dwindling dreams, poetry ripped at the seams.

Odd socks, time tick tocks. Mind – on the rocks.

Sleep deprived, we’re so dead and so alive.

We need sleep, we’re in too deep…

Heaps and heaps of dirty laundry,

Bland and boring – can’t be me.

Consumed by LOVE, lost in the role of mother.

Can’t help but whisper; ‘I love her, I love her.’

Anxiety and confidence go BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

Clutching her close when I enter the room.

She radiates my heart with excitement.

My soul brightens. Her journey, her story, all written~

Yes, I’m smitten, yes, I’m overwhelmed.

It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, roaming in realms

I’ve never entered before, I’m worrying non-stop

Out of control car driving into writer’s block

Over and over so I’m throwing down the caffeine.

It burns my throat, I’m a tramp and a queen.

So there I am, back again, remembering

That this has always been me from the beginning.

No sense, nonsense, splatter, pop, burst, bright

Each day a dance, a walk, a run, a fight or flight.

Now shut the hell up and go to bed – GOODNIGHT.

1. Identity Crisis: Who Am I?

I think I’m going to challenge myself to blog every day this week about whatever is on my mind, in my heart. That’s what I wanted to do with this blog, express myself.

‘Be free.’

As enthralling and breathtaking those two words are, I’ve been absolutely terrified to take the plunge. Just teetering on the edge, holding my bucket of anxiety.

Lately, I think I’ve lost myself again. I need to discover who I am again, I usually do it in the pages of my notebooks, in my stories and my poetry~

but now, I want to share it with the world, or even another soul, just one, or two… or three… or…

A little voice inside me keeps saying-

‘You have so much to share with the universe. Share.’

So, who am I?

You can call me Ebee. I am twenty-five years old and I will turn twenty-six this November.

Lately the only version of me I’ve been being is ‘mummy,’ or new mother. My baby girl is eight and a half months old and she is the love of my life. What I’ve learnt of motherhood so far is that it is a beautiful, overwhelming, exhausting, chaotic, scary and wondrous journey. I have a lot, A LOT, to say about my experience so far. In another blog I’ll get into it.

I have been so caught up in being mum (which i love but it can be so draining), it is so easy to get lost in one role that you forget everything else about you. I’ve seen it happen with many women. I almost feel bad in a way or guilty even thinking about my dreams and then I think why?

Achieving my dreams (well trying to anyway) won’t stop me from being a good mother.

I just need to find a balance.

Who else am I?

I am a writer, I love to write and I am not afraid to say it’s a passion of mine.

Poetry is and will always be my first love, then i fell in love with reading and then i wanted to write my own stories. My characters were born when I was eleven, they grew up with me as my invisible friends and family. Alongside them I grew their world – Shinda Borgis.

Fully fleshed characters and lots of stories. Giants and ogres, witches and dragons and demons and more. I have a lot of ideas of what i want to do with my stories. Eventually I hope I can publish them. There will definitely be many blogs about writing.

One more thing I want to mention in this blog is,

I want to be a teacher. I have been battling with this for a while, full of doubts one minute and then the drive kicks in. I graduated from university with my English and Creative Writing degree in 2014. Sometimes I think have I left it too late? Then I had my baby and I realised if I don’t do it now, it’ll definitely be too late. My mum studied all her life and was still doing exams in her fifties!

I have finally begun a teaching application and my anxiety is hammering at my door but I just can not let it in this time! But of course there will be more about this in blogs to come.

For now, I will leave it at this,

lots of love, Ebee.