Flowers or Weeds~

Are you strong enough to fall

without cracking at all,

crack, crack, crack, it’s fine.

We all have a few lines

running down the palms of our hands

and upon the ground where we stand.

Unstable and breakable we’re still of use

though we’re not all pretty and new.

Polish us up a little and watch us shine,

A bit of magic and a little bit of time

is all it takes for healing and growth.

What will grow from our cracks, nobody knows.

Flowers or weeds, flower or weeds

whatever it is, it still sets us free,

It’ll let us be

It will let us be

It will let us be free.

img_20180613_004837_8871923784852.jpg

img_20180613_004542_5392082904259.jpg

(Photo’s taken by me of the roses in my mother’s garden)

Advertisements

Sleep Deprived Love

(so after writing my very rambly blog about my first taste of motherhood,

https://thrivingebe.com/2018/06/05/mother-in-the-hood/

i thought this rambly poem about new mum-messy-life-baby love-emotions everywhere-who am I is appropriate to go up on the blog, enjoy c:  )

 

Dwindling dreams, poetry ripped at the seams.

Odd socks, time tick tocks. Mind – on the rocks.

Sleep deprived, we’re so dead and so alive.

We need sleep, we’re in too deep…

Heaps and heaps of dirty laundry,

Bland and boring – can’t be me.

Consumed by LOVE, lost in the role of mother.

Can’t help but whisper; ‘I love her, I love her.’

Anxiety and confidence go BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

Clutching her close when I enter the room.

She radiates my heart with excitement.

My soul brightens. Her journey, her story, all written~

Yes, I’m smitten, yes, I’m overwhelmed.

It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, roaming in realms

I’ve never entered before, I’m worrying non-stop

Out of control car driving into writer’s block

Over and over so I’m throwing down the caffeine.

It burns my throat, I’m a tramp and a queen.

So there I am, back again, remembering

That this has always been me from the beginning.

No sense, nonsense, splatter, pop, burst, bright

Each day a dance, a walk, a run, a fight or flight.

Now shut the hell up and go to bed – GOODNIGHT.

1. Identity Crisis: Who Am I?

I think I’m going to challenge myself to blog every day this week about whatever is on my mind, in my heart. That’s what I wanted to do with this blog, express myself.

‘Be free.’

As enthralling and breathtaking those two words are, I’ve been absolutely terrified to take the plunge. Just teetering on the edge, holding my bucket of anxiety.

Lately, I think I’ve lost myself again. I need to discover who I am again, I usually do it in the pages of my notebooks, in my stories and my poetry~

but now, I want to share it with the world, or even another soul, just one, or two… or three… or…

A little voice inside me keeps saying-

‘You have so much to share with the universe. Share.’

So, who am I?

You can call me Ebee. I am twenty-five years old and I will turn twenty-six this November.

Lately the only version of me I’ve been being is ‘mummy,’ or new mother. My baby girl is eight and a half months old and she is the love of my life. What I’ve learnt of motherhood so far is that it is a beautiful, overwhelming, exhausting, chaotic, scary and wondrous journey. I have a lot, A LOT, to say about my experience so far. In another blog I’ll get into it.

I have been so caught up in being mum (which i love but it can be so draining), it is so easy to get lost in one role that you forget everything else about you. I’ve seen it happen with many women. I almost feel bad in a way or guilty even thinking about my dreams and then I think why?

Achieving my dreams (well trying to anyway) won’t stop me from being a good mother.

I just need to find a balance.

Who else am I?

I am a writer, I love to write and I am not afraid to say it’s a passion of mine.

Poetry is and will always be my first love, then i fell in love with reading and then i wanted to write my own stories. My characters were born when I was eleven, they grew up with me as my invisible friends and family. Alongside them I grew their world – Shinda Borgis.

Fully fleshed characters and lots of stories. Giants and ogres, witches and dragons and demons and more. I have a lot of ideas of what i want to do with my stories. Eventually I hope I can publish them. There will definitely be many blogs about writing.

One more thing I want to mention in this blog is,

I want to be a teacher. I have been battling with this for a while, full of doubts one minute and then the drive kicks in. I graduated from university with my English and Creative Writing degree in 2014. Sometimes I think have I left it too late? Then I had my baby and I realised if I don’t do it now, it’ll definitely be too late. My mum studied all her life and was still doing exams in her fifties!

I have finally begun a teaching application and my anxiety is hammering at my door but I just can not let it in this time! But of course there will be more about this in blogs to come.

For now, I will leave it at this,

lots of love, Ebee.

 

Red Dressed Soul

 

red dress

You travel down the spiral staircase that

leads you into the depths of your soul.

Where there are no lanterns,

no candles,

no control.

Why do you do this to yourself?

You’re slipping away

But you want to stay

And all your ghosts and shadows

Trail after you wherever you go.

Untouchable and fading,

where has your thunder gone?

The crashing lightning,

the explosions, the fights and

the fireworks.

Your out-of-tune songs.

But I won’t forget you.

You were the red dressed soul

with a heart full of passion,

A belly full of laughter.

You kept your love in your pockets

and emotions in your heart.

Words were scribbles under your skin

and naturally flowed from your fingers

You were a traveller, a dreamer

A wanderer, barefoot and hair-free

stealing chimneys with yellow feelings

Searching for the green.

 

I promise,

I will find you,

Wherever you go.

New To Self Love, Love Yourself.

So you’re new to feeling in love?
Tell me how you feel, is it thrilling?
Do you feel butterflies? Are you feeling alive?
Are you warm? Is your mind occupied?
You’re ready for the ride, whichever road it takes.
Your so far from the well-talked about heart break.
You’re feeling young and beautiful and vulnerable
and you’re smiling with that hot red flush
on your cheeks, a bounce in your step
as you feel the adrenaline rush.
So you’re new to feeling in love? You’ve got
all the symptoms but before you hold forever,
grab on to the little moments to build yourself
a picture. You’re new to feeling in love?
With yourself – blow your mind a kiss, give your heart a hug.

newlovehearthug

An Empire For You

Who will stop your castles from falling?
When will you realise who I am?
You push past me in the rush of life.
Just stop for a moment. 
Stop and breathe. 
Listen to the sound in your battered lungs.
I dare you to find your universe - in my eyes.
All you ever wanted was a little beauty to call your own.
To quench your thirst. 
But you're tired and want to go home. 
You're weeping now - because. You. Can't. Find. Home.

I said I would build you an empire, didn't I?
There may be thieves and there'll always be liars
wearing the disguise of story-tellers and lovers - 
but it'll be worth it when you feel your heart
ALIVE - like passionate fires.
I COULD LOVE YOU like all of the lost skies
that bowed down against the ground
before they were allowed to rise.