I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope but I’m concentrating so hard on not falling off. I’m focusing because I know I can make it to the other side as long as I do not lose focus.
It’s thrilling, breathtaking, stressful, scary but I am determined.
I’ve finally applied for my Teacher Training course. Primary PGCE after years of mulling it over. Whether I could do it or not, my anxiety kept me locked in a cage. Doubts crept in whenever I dared to dream. Dared to think of being ambitious.
But somehow, giving birth to my daughter seemed to turn a key and unlock me from within. Yes, I still worry none stop but that comes with motherhood. But what I didn’t realise, is that confidence, also comes with motherhood. Sometimes when I am holding my baby girl, I’m clutching her for comfort but I am also feeling… EMPOWERED. As if I’ve stepped up a level, as if I need to stop thinking about myself and think about my daughter and how I can make her a stable, secure, happy individual. How I can make her proud to call me her mother and how I can show her that she can become whoever she wants to be, she can do whatever she wants to do.
So I just jumped into it, finally. Just leapt right in. Despite all the doubts that keep trying to pull me down. I booked my professional skill tests for English and Maths and I have an interview at one of my chosen University’s for a PGCE course.
Yes, negativity is chattering away in the back of my mind telling me I won’t get through and the hundred million reasons why but it’s 10:42pm and my baby has just fallen asleep in the crook of my arm and my other hand is researching topics for my interview preparation. I’ve been doing this all day because I am worried if I stop now, I’ll give up, so I just have to keep going.
Keep writing stories, keep working on my novel, keep up with my blog, pour my heart out in poetry, study for my interview, become a teacher eventually.
Keep gobbling up the Forrero Rochers my husband bought me for our anniversary instead of sensibly eating one a day.
My husband has a fractured shoulder.
My baby girl is grumpy and teething. Her first teeth are coming through (three at the bottom and one at the top)
The laundry has piled up a little.
But I’ll find a balance because I’ve realised now, I’m a mother, a wife, a writer, a blogger, a poet, a student and an aspiring ‘to-be’ teacher so I have to find a balance…
Lots of love, Ebee.