Lost In Poetry And Music~


Okay, so how does this song make me feel.

First, let me tell you what’s happening. It’s 3:10am and I’m sitting on my bed, I’ve just fed my baby and put her back to sleep. Normally I’m desperate to get back into bed and go back to sleep in a heartbeat. I mean when you have a baby you don’t pass on the chance to sleep when you can. but I want to be myself for a change. You know, the original me. The one that sinks into music and poetry. So i put this song on and I just transform. My heart feels heavy, my breathing feels heavy, so heavy I feel like I’m trying to hold my breath so that I don’t wake anyone up with my breathing. BREATHE.

I could cry with all that I’m feeling. Exhilarated, heart broken, nostalgic, powerful, vulnerable, angry, free, happy. Inspired. And there’s adrenaline. There’s poetry. I don’t really know what’s going on. Nothing maybe but it’s beautiful. But it doesn’t make sense but it does, too. It’s all of the people’s faces who have ever influenced me in some way or another. Seeping into my poetry in my writing, in my characters, in my story, in my life. In this song. It’s all of the memories. Emotions. Thoughts. The would be’s and the never ever’s. Its everything and nothing at all. It’s a song that’s going to do this destruction and rebuild over and over and over again… What more can i say. c:

Red Dressed Soul


red dress

You travel down the spiral staircase that

leads you into the depths of your soul.

Where there are no lanterns,

no candles,

no control.

Why do you do this to yourself?

You’re slipping away

But you want to stay

And all your ghosts and shadows

Trail after you wherever you go.

Untouchable and fading,

where has your thunder gone?

The crashing lightning,

the explosions, the fights and

the fireworks.

Your out-of-tune songs.

But I won’t forget you.

You were the red dressed soul

with a heart full of passion,

A belly full of laughter.

You kept your love in your pockets

and emotions in your heart.

Words were scribbles under your skin

and naturally flowed from your fingers

You were a traveller, a dreamer

A wanderer, barefoot and hair-free

stealing chimneys with yellow feelings

Searching for the green.


I promise,

I will find you,

Wherever you go.

An Empire For You

Who will stop your castles from falling?
When will you realise who I am?
You push past me in the rush of life.
Just stop for a moment. 
Stop and breathe. 
Listen to the sound in your battered lungs.
I dare you to find your universe - in my eyes.
All you ever wanted was a little beauty to call your own.
To quench your thirst. 
But you're tired and want to go home. 
You're weeping now - because. You. Can't. Find. Home.

I said I would build you an empire, didn't I?
There may be thieves and there'll always be liars
wearing the disguise of story-tellers and lovers - 
but it'll be worth it when you feel your heart
ALIVE - like passionate fires.
I COULD LOVE YOU like all of the lost skies
that bowed down against the ground
before they were allowed to rise. 



Hello world,

Living with anxiety is like taking a few steps forward before being dragged back in a whirlwind, your breath is snatched out of you, you’re struggling to breathe, panic overwhelms you when you can’t find the right rhythm of inhaling, exhaling, inhaling, exhaling and you start to think you have forgotten how to breathe all together and as the world slows down again, your mind refuses to. It’s swimming with what ifs, your mind is clouded by fear that becomes such a thick wall that you’re too afraid to take a step forward again in-case you get hit by that suffocating feeling again.

So what I’m trying to say is that anxiety stops you from doing such simple tasks that could be done without much thought. For example, picking up the phone to ring someone – mind fills with a thousand questions, a thousand scenario’s of how it could all go wrong, what if this happens, what if they say this, what if i don’t know that, what if, what if. Your mind races so fast it physically stops you from doing things, your hands start to shake, you stutter, stammer, feel sick. It’s so difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t felt anxiety – about what it’s like to live with it because it feels so stupid explaining all the irrational thoughts you go through over little things.

Sometimes I wonder where I would be in my life if I did not have anxiety. How many friends I would have made, how I’d be working full time, how far I would have got with my writing.

My anxiety started in high school but back then people just thought it was because I was very shy. I was shy but I felt like it was a lot more than that – the extreme uncomfortableness I always felt around people. How I could not make friends because something stopped me from saying the slightest things. So many times I’ve stood in front of someone just screaming in my mind to just ‘say something! Anything!’ But my lips always remained sealed. When I finally figured out what anxiety is years later, I felt so relieved that I could finally put a name to what it was I was feeling and going through, I finally learnt that a lot of other people go through the  same thing. For so long I’d been asking what is wrong with me?! I always had to try and keep it all inside me because if it ever came bursting out of me in panic attacks it would freak out the people around me, especially my family who would get so frustrated by it.

It’s a daily struggle when you don’t feel comfortable in your own skin. It’s one of those things that once you feel that you have gained some control over it, it creeps up again when you’re not ready for it, when you’re not expecting it and it latches onto you. It’s a disorder that is really difficult to explain to someone who does not experience it because of how irrational the bullet train of thoughts are that speed through your mind. I always know, even as I’m thinking those thoughts that they make no sense but it’s a battle to keep them quiet. As a result, anxiety leads to depression, low self esteem and confidence.

When I feel a lot of anxiety I always know there are two options for me. Fight or flight. When I choose to fight it – I decide that I’m going to face my fears head on, stop thinking and just jump into the situation and do whatever it is I have to do. It’s never easy but the end-result is so satisfying and such a relief. When I choose to fight the end result feels like a huge achievement even if it’s a little task and in turn it makes my confidence grow.

However, sometimes, I choose the option of flight. This is when the anxiety is so overwhelming it’s almost like a beast that takes control of all my senses and I just have to run away from the situation, hide away from it. I’ve done this countless times and it truly crushes a soul, when you have a fear of failure this is one of the worst things to do as it increases that sense of failure. You feel even more frightened and low than when you started.

I may have given up on many things in my life but I don’t give up for long. When I give up, the next step is always to try ten times harder. I feel like naturally I am happy, cheerful person and I know anxiety crushes me, it ruins my life so I always have to remind myself that I have to deal with this problem, I can’t let it rule my life because this is not the way I want to live. I do not want to live in fear all my life. I search desperately for peace of mind. From everything I have read anxiety’s main cause is a negative mindset. Changing a mindset into something positive is very difficult but at the end of the day we have to remember that WE have control of our minds, not the other way around.

I have anxiety but I’m on a journey to free myself from those frightful claws. Who is going to join me?