Lost In Poetry And Music~

 

Okay, so how does this song make me feel.

First, let me tell you what’s happening. It’s 3:10am and I’m sitting on my bed, I’ve just fed my baby and put her back to sleep. Normally I’m desperate to get back into bed and go back to sleep in a heartbeat. I mean when you have a baby you don’t pass on the chance to sleep when you can. but I want to be myself for a change. You know, the original me. The one that sinks into music and poetry. So i put this song on and I just transform. My heart feels heavy, my breathing feels heavy, so heavy I feel like I’m trying to hold my breath so that I don’t wake anyone up with my breathing. BREATHE.

I could cry with all that I’m feeling. Exhilarated, heart broken, nostalgic, powerful, vulnerable, angry, free, happy. Inspired. And there’s adrenaline. There’s poetry. I don’t really know what’s going on. Nothing maybe but it’s beautiful. But it doesn’t make sense but it does, too. It’s all of the people’s faces who have ever influenced me in some way or another. Seeping into my poetry in my writing, in my characters, in my story, in my life. In this song. It’s all of the memories. Emotions. Thoughts. The would be’s and the never ever’s. Its everything and nothing at all. It’s a song that’s going to do this destruction and rebuild over and over and over again… What more can i say. c:

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Sleep Deprived Love

(so after writing my very rambly blog about my first taste of motherhood,

https://thrivingebe.com/2018/06/05/mother-in-the-hood/

i thought this rambly poem about new mum-messy-life-baby love-emotions everywhere-who am I is appropriate to go up on the blog, enjoy c:  )

 

Dwindling dreams, poetry ripped at the seams.

Odd socks, time tick tocks. Mind – on the rocks.

Sleep deprived, we’re so dead and so alive.

We need sleep, we’re in too deep…

Heaps and heaps of dirty laundry,

Bland and boring – can’t be me.

Consumed by LOVE, lost in the role of mother.

Can’t help but whisper; ‘I love her, I love her.’

Anxiety and confidence go BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

Clutching her close when I enter the room.

She radiates my heart with excitement.

My soul brightens. Her journey, her story, all written~

Yes, I’m smitten, yes, I’m overwhelmed.

It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, roaming in realms

I’ve never entered before, I’m worrying non-stop

Out of control car driving into writer’s block

Over and over so I’m throwing down the caffeine.

It burns my throat, I’m a tramp and a queen.

So there I am, back again, remembering

That this has always been me from the beginning.

No sense, nonsense, splatter, pop, burst, bright

Each day a dance, a walk, a run, a fight or flight.

Now shut the hell up and go to bed – GOODNIGHT.

1. Identity Crisis: Who Am I?

I think I’m going to challenge myself to blog every day this week about whatever is on my mind, in my heart. That’s what I wanted to do with this blog, express myself.

‘Be free.’

As enthralling and breathtaking those two words are, I’ve been absolutely terrified to take the plunge. Just teetering on the edge, holding my bucket of anxiety.

Lately, I think I’ve lost myself again. I need to discover who I am again, I usually do it in the pages of my notebooks, in my stories and my poetry~

but now, I want to share it with the world, or even another soul, just one, or two… or three… or…

A little voice inside me keeps saying-

‘You have so much to share with the universe. Share.’

So, who am I?

You can call me Ebee. I am twenty-five years old and I will turn twenty-six this November.

Lately the only version of me I’ve been being is ‘mummy,’ or new mother. My baby girl is eight and a half months old and she is the love of my life. What I’ve learnt of motherhood so far is that it is a beautiful, overwhelming, exhausting, chaotic, scary and wondrous journey. I have a lot, A LOT, to say about my experience so far. In another blog I’ll get into it.

I have been so caught up in being mum (which i love but it can be so draining), it is so easy to get lost in one role that you forget everything else about you. I’ve seen it happen with many women. I almost feel bad in a way or guilty even thinking about my dreams and then I think why?

Achieving my dreams (well trying to anyway) won’t stop me from being a good mother.

I just need to find a balance.

Who else am I?

I am a writer, I love to write and I am not afraid to say it’s a passion of mine.

Poetry is and will always be my first love, then i fell in love with reading and then i wanted to write my own stories. My characters were born when I was eleven, they grew up with me as my invisible friends and family. Alongside them I grew their world – Shinda Borgis.

Fully fleshed characters and lots of stories. Giants and ogres, witches and dragons and demons and more. I have a lot of ideas of what i want to do with my stories. Eventually I hope I can publish them. There will definitely be many blogs about writing.

One more thing I want to mention in this blog is,

I want to be a teacher. I have been battling with this for a while, full of doubts one minute and then the drive kicks in. I graduated from university with my English and Creative Writing degree in 2014. Sometimes I think have I left it too late? Then I had my baby and I realised if I don’t do it now, it’ll definitely be too late. My mum studied all her life and was still doing exams in her fifties!

I have finally begun a teaching application and my anxiety is hammering at my door but I just can not let it in this time! But of course there will be more about this in blogs to come.

For now, I will leave it at this,

lots of love, Ebee.