Balancing Life~

I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope but I’m concentrating so hard on not falling off. I’m focusing because I know I can make it to the other side as long as I do not lose focus.

It’s thrilling, breathtaking, stressful, scary but I am determined.

I’ve finally applied for my Teacher Training course. Primary PGCE after years of mulling it over. Whether I could do it or not, my anxiety kept me locked in a cage. Doubts crept in whenever I dared to dream. Dared to think of being ambitious.

But somehow, giving birth to my daughter seemed to turn a key and unlock me from within. Yes, I still worry none stop but that comes with motherhood. But what I didn’t realise, is that confidence, also comes with motherhood. Sometimes when I am holding my baby girl, I’m clutching her for comfort but I am also feeling… EMPOWERED. As if I’ve stepped up a level, as if I need to stop thinking about myself and think about my daughter and how I can make her a stable, secure, happy individual. How I can make her proud to call me her mother and how I can show her that she can become whoever she wants to be, she can do whatever she wants to do.

So I just jumped into it, finally. Just leapt right in. Despite all the doubts that keep trying to pull me down. I booked my professional skill tests for English and Maths and I have an interview at one of my chosen University’s for a PGCE course.

Yes, negativity is chattering away in the back of my mind telling me I won’t get through and the hundred million reasons why but it’s 10:42pm and my baby has just fallen asleep in the crook of my arm and my other hand is researching topics for my interview preparation. I’ve been doing this all day because I am worried if I stop now, I’ll give up, so I just have to keep going.

Keep writing stories, keep working on my novel, keep up with my blog, pour my heart out in poetry, study for my interview, become a teacher eventually.

Keep gobbling up the Forrero Rochers my husband bought me for our anniversary instead of sensibly eating one a day.

My husband has a fractured shoulder.

My baby girl is grumpy and teething. Her first teeth are coming through (three at the bottom and one at the top)

The laundry has piled up a little.

But I’ll find a balance because I’ve realised now, I’m a mother, a wife, a writer, a blogger, a poet, a student and an aspiring ‘to-be’ teacher so I have to find a balance…

And thrive.

Lots of love, Ebee.

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Flowers or Weeds~

Are you strong enough to fall

without cracking at all,

crack, crack, crack, it’s fine.

We all have a few lines

running down the palms of our hands

and upon the ground where we stand.

Unstable and breakable we’re still of use

though we’re not all pretty and new.

Polish us up a little and watch us shine,

A bit of magic and a little bit of time

is all it takes for healing and growth.

What will grow from our cracks, nobody knows.

Flowers or weeds, flower or weeds

whatever it is, it still sets us free,

It’ll let us be

It will let us be

It will let us be free.

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(Photo’s taken by me of the roses in my mother’s garden)

Lost In Poetry And Music~

 

Okay, so how does this song make me feel.

First, let me tell you what’s happening. It’s 3:10am and I’m sitting on my bed, I’ve just fed my baby and put her back to sleep. Normally I’m desperate to get back into bed and go back to sleep in a heartbeat. I mean when you have a baby you don’t pass on the chance to sleep when you can. but I want to be myself for a change. You know, the original me. The one that sinks into music and poetry. So i put this song on and I just transform. My heart feels heavy, my breathing feels heavy, so heavy I feel like I’m trying to hold my breath so that I don’t wake anyone up with my breathing. BREATHE.

I could cry with all that I’m feeling. Exhilarated, heart broken, nostalgic, powerful, vulnerable, angry, free, happy. Inspired. And there’s adrenaline. There’s poetry. I don’t really know what’s going on. Nothing maybe but it’s beautiful. But it doesn’t make sense but it does, too. It’s all of the people’s faces who have ever influenced me in some way or another. Seeping into my poetry in my writing, in my characters, in my story, in my life. In this song. It’s all of the memories. Emotions. Thoughts. The would be’s and the never ever’s. Its everything and nothing at all. It’s a song that’s going to do this destruction and rebuild over and over and over again… What more can i say. c:

Messy Room and How I (try) Dealing with It

‘A tidy room reflects a tidy mind’

This is something my mother would always say to me and I believe it’s completely true. When my room is finally clean, it feels like I can breathe and that I have space in my mind to fill up with new fresh ideas. However, I’m full of reasons, (or excuses) for why I can’t keep my room clean.

I live in a house with eleven other people. I live in my husband’s family house as we can not afford our own home at the moment. So it is me, my husband and my baby in one room. My room is basically acting as four rooms in one, my bedroom, my baby’s nursery, a laundry room and an office. This is one reason it’s so hard to keep my room clean because there is so much going on in here.

I’m also known for not being very consistent, I can’t keep on top of tidying because I have so much to do, so my room piles up very quickly and then I have to quickly clean it up as best as I can.

Here are my bad room habits and how I solve them:

PROBLEM 1.

Clothes are a NIGHTMARE. The job of washing, ironing, folding, putting away is never ending. Because there’s so many people in this house, I can’t wash clothes every day as we only have one machine and dryer which everyone shares. I have to wash my husbands, my own and my daughters clothing. So the dirty clothes pile up in the laundry basket, then over flow onto the floor, then they get washed and get dumped on the floor and bed for ages because I’m one: either too lazy to put them away straight away or two: I have no time or three: I’m too exhausted when I finally  have time. I’ve even thrown away three huge black bag of my own clothes in hopes that if i have less clothes to wear, there will be less washing… but it doesn’t seem to work that way.

SOLUTION 1.

So how do solve my laundry situation, well, once a week, I power wash. I take two days to use the machines – throw the laundry load in, wash, dry and then I have three black bag of clean clothes in my room which I have to power-put-away, which is put the clothes away as fast as you can before baby bee wakes up from her usually very short naps.

PROBLEM 2:

I have a king-size bed so it sometimes seems like it’s taking up half of the bedroom, it is also crammed right next to my desk so I have to use my bed as a seat for my desk. I basically live on my bed (sometimes.) I eat on it, sleep, study, write, relax. Feed little bee, change her clothes, nappy, entertain her. My bed is basically an island and the rest of the room is the sea. At the end of the day when it’s time for bed, I have to lob the pile of clothes off the bed before getting into it, only to get my foot stuck into a toy or a (clean) nappy.

SOLUTION 2:

Making my bed in the morning is really important. It makes my room look so much tidier. If I don’t make it, it’s far too tempting to get back into bed when my little one goes down for her nap. I like to have a few different and pretty bedding to keep my room fun, creative and not so boring. It also is a huge motivator to get me straighten my bedding in the morning.

PROBLEM 3:

I am really bad at taking my plates back downstairs after I eat in my room, the dishes pile up and then I end up taking them back down in smaller piles, hoping nobody notices the piles of dishes reappearing in the drawers. I know I should take them back down once I’m done with each plate, but come on guys, I have to go down two flights of stairs to reach the kitchen. (please ignore the fact it took me two flights of stairs to take the dishes up in the first place.) Okay, okay, you win, I’m just lazy.

SOLUTION 3:

I should stop being lazy.

PROBLEM 4:

I’m also really bad at putting used nappies in the bin, straight away. I usually stick it in a nappy bag and then fling it across the room hoping it land in the garbage bag, (99.9 times it doesn’t.)

SOLUTION 4:

…I should stop being lazy.

PROBLEM 5:

Another problem of mine is that once I get into a writing project, or creative project, all of my notebooks, stationary, creative paper, notes, random papers all come out and scatter everywhere, all over my bed, all over my desk across the floor next to my bed, and then when the excitement of what I was working on dies down a little bit, the papers and notebooks and art supplies and stationary…are not put away. They just lie there, probably cringing as I clumsily hop and tiptoe over and around them instead of picking them up.

SOLUTION 5:

Eventually I pick them up and they all get shoved back into their drawers and folders until the next time inspiration strikes. Guys, these are the only type of parties I ever throw. I’m serious.

PROBLEM 6:

TOYS. TOYS EVERYWHERE. We’re trying to teach little bee to play independently, so that we can get on with our jobs and chores. So that means all of her toys come out, scattered everywhere for her to explore. However, it’s not just her toys she’s interested in, it’s anything and everything. Especially things you’re using – i.e – your laptop, phone, pen, notebook etc. She especially loves tissue paper, to tear up (and then try to put in her mouth.) She loves bottles, wrappers, her shoes, empty boxes, keys etc. So the mess continues to grow and I use it as an excuse that it’s all her ‘toys.’

SOLUTION 6:

Well, I found a lovely box, in which every day I put a few toys in (not too much that it overwhelms her and not too less that she gets bored.) I throw in a few ordinary non-toy things (safe objects) and I let her rummage through them. She usually works her way through them before settling on a couple of things to either try to destroy or eat. (She loves doing recycling for me – ripping up cardboard or paper) and she also loves chewing and slobbering over her Mr Men hardback books and plastic spoons.

At the end of her play session, I try to either put away or throw away the ordinary things in the box and put away her toys so that I can pick different toys and objects next time she want to play.

PROBLEM 7:

Finally, we have the clutter on the surfaces, on the bedside tables, on the dresser, on the desk. It’s just every day things we use get left out, like hair brushes, deodorants, creams, the iron, candle, water bottles, stationary et cetra. (Sometimes these places do get a bit crowded and things end up on the floor.)

SOLUTION:

Every couple of days I try to de-clutter so that i can wipe down the surface with wipes, because dust collects easily and so that I can run the hoover over the carpet.

I could probably get into all sorts with this blog but I think I will leave it at this.

Are you a tidy or messy person?

Is there anything you can relate to in this blog?

How do you keep your room tidy and organised?

Lots of love Ebee.

P.s – As I was reading this blog post to my husband, he sat there whispering ‘you’re such a liar, a liar.’ at all of my ‘solutions.’

but what can I say… i am a story teller after all!

Sleep Deprived Love

(so after writing my very rambly blog about my first taste of motherhood,

https://thrivingebe.com/2018/06/05/mother-in-the-hood/

i thought this rambly poem about new mum-messy-life-baby love-emotions everywhere-who am I is appropriate to go up on the blog, enjoy c:  )

 

Dwindling dreams, poetry ripped at the seams.

Odd socks, time tick tocks. Mind – on the rocks.

Sleep deprived, we’re so dead and so alive.

We need sleep, we’re in too deep…

Heaps and heaps of dirty laundry,

Bland and boring – can’t be me.

Consumed by LOVE, lost in the role of mother.

Can’t help but whisper; ‘I love her, I love her.’

Anxiety and confidence go BOOM, BOOM, BOOM.

Clutching her close when I enter the room.

She radiates my heart with excitement.

My soul brightens. Her journey, her story, all written~

Yes, I’m smitten, yes, I’m overwhelmed.

It’s chaotic, it’s beautiful, roaming in realms

I’ve never entered before, I’m worrying non-stop

Out of control car driving into writer’s block

Over and over so I’m throwing down the caffeine.

It burns my throat, I’m a tramp and a queen.

So there I am, back again, remembering

That this has always been me from the beginning.

No sense, nonsense, splatter, pop, burst, bright

Each day a dance, a walk, a run, a fight or flight.

Now shut the hell up and go to bed – GOODNIGHT.

Mother in the Hood

Taking my bra off at the end of a busy day has never been as satisfactory as it is now.

(Yes it means my boob will leak freely and without a care)

Let’s be honest, I think I was not remotely prepared for most of the trials and bumps that come along with motherhood (and I am only eight and a half months in!)

I think, in a way, my labour and birth of my daughter was a little traumatic. It was not what I expected, not what I had read up on because I was induced due to pre-eclampsia. I didn’t even think I could possibly be induced. I even had a birth plan for a natural birth but of-course not everything goes as you planned.

There is never a break. You literally go through pain and sleepless nights of pregnancy, then even more pain of labour and delivery and then you are handed you’re lovely bundle of joy, with no manual or instructions and you have to ensure that the little human in your arms survives and thrives every day for the rest of her/his life. Thinking about it like that is quite daunting.

That’s why instincts and motherly love are beautiful tools of survival for both mother and child. When your baby cries all you want to do is find a way to make her stop crying and be comfortable and happy again.

It is so stressful hearing your baby cry and having to go through all the motions of cancelling out each reason the baby could be crying. I’ve heard babies can sense how a mother is feeling and to try and remain calm and happy when soothing them. It is easier said than done. So many times I’ve felt so guilty for feeling anxious and stressed and worn out looking after my baby because I’m constantly worried it’ll rub off on her and she’ll become anxious too. I desperately want her to grow up to be stable, and secure, happy and calm. A couple of times I found myself crying, which in turn made my baby cry, which then made me cry even more for stressing her out!

I decided to breastfeed. It has been a long, difficult nightmare but I can thankfully say I can do it easily now (sometimes she still makes it quite difficult though.) I had all sorts of troubles with it. My little bee wouldn’t latch on properly, my breasts were engorged for a loong time, I had an oversupply problem which can be a blessing and a curse, she would end up choking on the milk. I had to pump for a while because she couldn’t latch on and it took her a while to catch on. I HATED pumping. One memory i have, two weeks in, hormones EVERYWHERE, I had just managed to pump a bottle of milk and then i accidently KNOCKED it over, I just burst out crying for a long time. I literally cried my eyes out over spilt milk. You can read all the books and watch all the YouTube videos on breastfeeding but in the end, you never know how to do it until you practise yourself. I learnt I can be resilient and persistent even though many times I just wanted to give up. But I think the key to breast feeding is just that – resilience and persistence.

(even though now I want to get her on a bottle and she just hates it!)

What is sleep? I am still sleep deprived, I don’t know if it’s because little bee had colic and reflux when she was younger, or if she’s used to being rocked to sleep and having me close, but she still does not sleep through the night. It’s not like she’ll wake up once or twice, she will wake up SEVERAL times in the night. It takes me four, five goes to get her back into her cot when she’s fallen asleep because she immediately wakes up when i put her back into the cot. She also hardly naps in the day, she has three very, very short naps. I breast feed her on demand, though she drinks less milk than she used to. She eats three times a day and has snacks but she’s still a terrible sleeper. I think the lack of sleep is the reason my mood is so unpredictable most days, the reason why i struggle to get jobs done.

She is also going through a stage of being super clingy, she cries when i leave the room, or even stand near the door. She cries if she can’t see me on the other side of the room. It can be very difficult because if she hasn’t had a nap, she can be super grumpy and clingy and i find it really difficult to get anything done. But lately, she has started to develop the ability to play by herself for a while. I got a box and filled it with toys and random things and she just works her way through it, happily chewing and bashing things about. I’m so proud of her when she manages to play for even twenty minutes, by herself.

She loves talking. She is a boisterous child with lots to say and i love her baby language. She knows how to say ‘mama’ and ‘abu’ which means ‘dad’ in my mother language (Urdu). It seems like every day she is developing a new skill or growing a little more and it is beautiful to watch.

There is so much more I wanted to put in this blog but i think it will get very long if I do. I’m sorry that it’s not very organised. I’m going to try and get a grip with this blogging and eventually find a way to organise each blog. Usually when I need to vent I just throw my thoughts in a random order into my notebook and call it a night~ that is kind of what I’m doing tonight in this blog (before little bee wakes up for the billionth time) and before I give up on it.

Lots of love, Ebee.

 

 

 

 

1. Identity Crisis: Who Am I?

I think I’m going to challenge myself to blog every day this week about whatever is on my mind, in my heart. That’s what I wanted to do with this blog, express myself.

‘Be free.’

As enthralling and breathtaking those two words are, I’ve been absolutely terrified to take the plunge. Just teetering on the edge, holding my bucket of anxiety.

Lately, I think I’ve lost myself again. I need to discover who I am again, I usually do it in the pages of my notebooks, in my stories and my poetry~

but now, I want to share it with the world, or even another soul, just one, or two… or three… or…

A little voice inside me keeps saying-

‘You have so much to share with the universe. Share.’

So, who am I?

You can call me Ebee. I am twenty-five years old and I will turn twenty-six this November.

Lately the only version of me I’ve been being is ‘mummy,’ or new mother. My baby girl is eight and a half months old and she is the love of my life. What I’ve learnt of motherhood so far is that it is a beautiful, overwhelming, exhausting, chaotic, scary and wondrous journey. I have a lot, A LOT, to say about my experience so far. In another blog I’ll get into it.

I have been so caught up in being mum (which i love but it can be so draining), it is so easy to get lost in one role that you forget everything else about you. I’ve seen it happen with many women. I almost feel bad in a way or guilty even thinking about my dreams and then I think why?

Achieving my dreams (well trying to anyway) won’t stop me from being a good mother.

I just need to find a balance.

Who else am I?

I am a writer, I love to write and I am not afraid to say it’s a passion of mine.

Poetry is and will always be my first love, then i fell in love with reading and then i wanted to write my own stories. My characters were born when I was eleven, they grew up with me as my invisible friends and family. Alongside them I grew their world – Shinda Borgis.

Fully fleshed characters and lots of stories. Giants and ogres, witches and dragons and demons and more. I have a lot of ideas of what i want to do with my stories. Eventually I hope I can publish them. There will definitely be many blogs about writing.

One more thing I want to mention in this blog is,

I want to be a teacher. I have been battling with this for a while, full of doubts one minute and then the drive kicks in. I graduated from university with my English and Creative Writing degree in 2014. Sometimes I think have I left it too late? Then I had my baby and I realised if I don’t do it now, it’ll definitely be too late. My mum studied all her life and was still doing exams in her fifties!

I have finally begun a teaching application and my anxiety is hammering at my door but I just can not let it in this time! But of course there will be more about this in blogs to come.

For now, I will leave it at this,

lots of love, Ebee.